Inside a Grieving Mom’s Mind
Most of you may…or may not know, I lost my youngest son on February 27th. Most of you may…or may not know, my heart is in a million pieces. There are so many things that go through your mind when you lose someone you love. I can’t begin to even convey this. I lost my daddy fifteen years ago. Those were some painful times…they can’t even come close to this. Here’s what this grieving Mom wants to say:
When someone dies…Remember, they belonged in the heart of someone else. They were loved, and cherished. They aren’t gossip, they aren’t the “latest story”…they were someone’s world!
I made this for me…but feel free to download and keep for your personal purposes if you like:
Luke was 28 years old. He was my only biological son. I have two step-sons, that I helped raise, and a biological daughter. Luke was the youngest of all three of the boys. He was a wonderful son, a fabulous father..and apparently an amazing friend. He was gentle, and kind-hearted. He was stubborn, and set in his ways. He was quick to smile, laugh and love. He was LOVED.
What many folks don’t know..till rocketed into this atmosphere, is: You expect to have to bury your parents…it’s completely unnatural to bury your child.
I’m not quite ready to go into details about my son’s death, it’s still a very painful and open wound. I may never be ready. What I do want to go into details about, are some things that I have experienced with this tragedy. I want to share about what you DO and DO NOT DO when someone has a loss.
- First, I’ve learned…I’m not nearly as tough as I would like for everyone to think. I’ve always prided myself on being the strong girl, that everyone can come to, and cry on. Not now. I’m the melted little meek cry baby that I never saw as anything but weak. I cry, every day. Don’t assume that a grieving Mom…or Dad…or anyone for that matter, will automatically feel better in a week or so. They won’t. There are sometimes so many questions, that may never get answered. This makes the grieving process…even harder. They feel so many emotions, guilt is a biggy…don’t make it worse, by making them focus on the painful details of their loss. They MAY..or MAY NOT, want to talk to you about it. Don’t push…just be there. Let them know…you have an ear, and a heart.
- Don’t ask about details. A. That’s none of your business! B. That’s really so hard to talk about, until you’re ready. C. It’s rude! If a grieving person wants to talk to you about this, they will. Everyone eventually gets to a point where they want to talk about things, not generally right away. Don’t push for details…no matter how bad you want to know. Unless you are very close to the family, they may not want to share everything yet. Ultimately, does it change the way someone feels? NO. Does it change the way you feel about the person that just lost someone? If it does…SHAME on you!
- If you know the intimate details of a death…keep it to yourself. You can let that person know…but hearing outside opinions, and gossip, only serves as a very painful reminder, that people aren’t there for you…they are there to get the goods on the story. That’s really not something you want to know when you’ve just lost someone who means so much to you.
- Try to put yourself in the family’s shoes. What would you need, or want at this time. It’s impossible, to really know what to say or do for a person, or group when you’ve never really experienced what they are going through…and it’s okay to tell them that you don’t know. But, try to imagine yourself, COMPLETELY paralyzed. It feels much the same. You really don’t want to get out of bed. You don’t want to cook, bath, wash, eat, sleep…anything. Those are the things that people need. They need the daily things that have to get done. They shouldn’t have to worry about dealing with life. They can’t deal with life. They need someone to straighten up the house…to run errands…maybe do a load of laundry.
- I’ve never really thought about this…I’ve just always taken something when visiting a family of loss. DON’T show up empty-handed. Take food, supplies or anything. You can’t imagine how many mouths eat at the family’s home. There is a constant flow of people, that eat…eat…and eat more. That’s good. There is something very comforting about feeding your friends and family, BUT…you run out of food in a hurry, if people continue to show up with nothing…and then eat. What happens is…the family gets to pay for the funeral…and they get to buy food for the neighborhood/town for a week too. Not funny.
- Go home. It’s always good to check on a friend that has lost someone. The grief is immeasurable. The pain of a quiet house, is almost unbearable. So go, go often. Call, Text and generally, make a nuisance of yourself. (I can’t tell you how blessed I am with friends that call or text me daily) BUT…when 8:00pm rolls around….GO HOME!!! (Close friends aside) Unless they BEG you to stay, you’re WAY past your welcome. Most folks, don’t sleep well shortly after a death. They can get exhausted, and need to be left alone in the evening, to rest. Unless you know for sure that this person is a night owl, they probably need to go to sleep….or at least bed/rest.
- Give hugs. Hugs, hugs and more hugs. They are the one thing, that just feels good when you are grieving. I don’t know the statistics on this, but I can tell you, they have to be healing….I just know it. Nothing told me, “I love you” more than a hug from friends. Just a simple, long-winded, quiet hug.
- Tell something wonderful about the person that died. One of the most comforting things I heard about my son, were the stories that friends and family told me about him. It was so wonderful to hear the different ways he was loved…and that he loved. Nothing did my heart more good, than to know he really was special to everyone he encountered. I have so many questions that will never be answered, the fact that my son was loved by everyone…is not one of them. The fact that so many memories of him were shared, revealed to me that he was truly an unforgetable person.
- This is for my virtual friends. I feel like I’ve been blessed beyond deserving with my blogging buddies. They showed me EXACTLY what you do when you have a virtual friend with a loss. They have messaged, checked and taken complete care of me….just like my real life friends. But, something they did, that my real life friends couldn’t…is took care of my blog. It was really the last thing on my mind. I didn’t care if it actually fell off of the planet when all of this happened. BUT…they knew I WOULD when the dust began to settle. They took care of my little corner of blog land. For this, I’m so grateful. They posted links, tweeted, shared, pinned and blogged about me. They raised money for me…because they knew that we were having to pay for two funeral home expenses. They guest posted on my site, and LCI. They caught me online every day…and chatted with me. Some of them listened, some of them talked…some…just made me smile. (You know who you are). They were actually just exactly what I VIRTUALLY needed. 😀
- Lastly, Pray. I can’t say enough about the power of prayer. This is one of the most powerful tools anyone possesses in their friendship toolbox. God can, and will answer prayer, and there is an amazing and supernatural occurence when prayer, is said in numbers.
Another Printable
Here’s what I really want to express, more than ANYTHING else. Everyone has their own timing. What takes one person a week to deal with, might take someone else a year. Expect nothing, as far as timing goes. It really is an individual person/situation thing. What took me a couple of weeks to get back into life when dad died…is very obviously going to take me much longer with Luke. It’s been almost a month…and I really, really don’t want to go anywhere that I know people…because I’m still not ready to talk about it with anyone other than very intimate friends. I might give some details…but I’ve been pretty vague about it…and that’s really all I’m ready for right now. Just generally, be a friend…for as long as you are needed. You really, never know what life is going to hand you…you want to be the type of friend, that you would like to have in the same scenario.
Luke-
Son, Brother, Daddy, Uncle, Nephew, Grandson, Cousin and Friend.
Thank you for sharing I can’t imagine what you are going through. I lost my mom unexpectedly 8 weeks ago and that is hard enough. May you find love and support in your family and friends. As someone shared with me, ” remember the good days, the fun times and all the little things in life that you shared.”
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Thank you Nancy, I’m sorry to hear about your mother, I know that must be difficult. Yes, sharing the small wonderful memories, helps. Have a wonderful day!
Oh Tammy, I had no idea…. and I have no words. I can feel your grief and I am so truly sorry for your loss. Hugs.
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Thank you Jennifer. It truly has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through. I have a good day…and then something will bring a memory of him to me…and the tears just flow. I know things will get some easier, I’m waiting for that time. I’m so glad you stopped by. Have a great week.
Losing a child is devastating. It leaves a hole in your heart that never closes. With time you learn how to live around it. My heart goes out to you. I lost my son three days before his 23rd birthday 14 years ago.
Wanda, That’s exactly how it feels…like a big ole hole. I’m sorry to hear about your son. I’m so glad you commented. It’s one of the hardest things, and you feel like no one knows the pain…but I know you do. Thank you so much for stopping by…and commenting. Have a wonderful day!
Oh my gosh Tammy, I am so sorry for your loss..!! I didn’t relize you were going through this. ( I just recently started following you..) I couldn’t imagine going through that and I’m SO sorry you are… !!
Tammy, Thank you. Yes, it’s been impossible to talk about. I think in time, I’ll be able to share more about it…but it’s still very new and painful. Thank you for stopping by…I appreciate the thoughts. Have an awesome day!
I, too, lost my 19 year old son in 2011. I still cry, miss and love him every day!!! He was funny. He was loved. He loved The Lord. I know where he is and who he is with, but it does not make my pain go away. The second year was my hardest year so far. Thank goodness for my close friends that still allow me to grieve. I don’t know how long this will last. I do know that I have great memories with my son and Jesus gives me strength daily, but I will never be the same person. I pray that you find strength in Jesus daily and that your friends allow you to take all the time you need.
First, I’m so sorry for your loss. Secondly, Thank you for saying that. I’ve wondered daily if this gets easier…and How I will feel a year from now. It feels, sometimes like the pain is getting worse…not better. Yes, knowing that Luke was saved, and loved the Lord does give me some peace, but your right, it doesn’t diminish the pain. Have a wonderful week.
Thank you for sharing this very personal time in your life. I, too, just recently started following you. All your posts have been warm, kind, and sensitive. I’m sure it will take a long time to feel anywhere “normal.” I will pray that you are able to find comfort and peace. May God be with you.
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Thank you. I appreciate the kind words. Yes…normal hasn’t been in my vocabulary the past few weeks. It’s been difficult to even think about even trying to continue with life lately. Personal stories are always the most difficult to publish, and I always hesitate a little longer before hitting that publish button. I’m so glad you stopped by! Thank you for following. 🙂 Have a wonderful day!
I’m trying to type through my tears here. Tammy, I am so sorry you have experienced this devastating loss. I am praying for your comfort and strength and for healing when you are ready. You are on my mind and in my heart. I’m sending you a huge virtual hug.
XOXO, Jen
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Thank you Jen. That’s really all I can ask right now. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. Hugs are wonderful! Have an awesome week!
My heart breaks for your loss. I feel and can only imagine the pain that you feel. I am so very sorry. I am sending you the biggest, tightest hug. God’s blessings to you and many prayers. Lisa
Thank you Lisa…that means more than you’ll probably ever know! Have a wonderful week!
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. It’s so kind of you, in spite of your pain, to write these beautiful words down today. Everyone should have a copy of these words in their home because you never know when you may very well need them. None of us know. I lost my husband very unexpectedly 18 years ago and I was completely lost for many, many months. How I wish I would have had a copy of your post today to hand to people. Thank you so much for your gift and I will pray that God will give you the strength to get through this part of your life……in your own time. God Bless you, my friend.
Thank you. I can only imagine what you must have gone through…although I don’t even want to. I’m so glad you benefited from this. Have a wonderful week.
I can only imagine how hard this was to post and share here Tammy, after having your world turned upside down. Your words about Luke are beautiful, and the printable images with quotes that you designed are too. I continue to hope and pray that your heart can somehow be healed, and that you can feel all of the virtual hugs and prayers being sent your way each day from so many people.
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Thank you. I do appreciate all the Love and support that I have had. I know that I have so many friends and family that have been praying for me and my family. This has meant so much to me. Thank you for being one of the friends right there at the top of the list! Love you!
I’m a very new follower but I recall a few days ago, or maybe it was a week, that you posted about “another week passing” etc. I didn’t know what it was all about but I felt a sense of sadness. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can’t begin to know the pain you are feeling. My heart just hurts for you. I will lift you up in prayer Tammy. And also, thank you for letting us know how we can be there, or NOT be there for those we care about that are going through the painful loss of a loved one. Particularly, the loss of a child.
Jan, Thank you, for following and for commenting. I appreciate the prayers…they have absolutely been what has gotten me through the past few weeks. I’m so glad you are a new follower, and I hope to back to my old creative self soon. It’s really hard at this point to even enjoy creativity…much less have it..but I know that God will see me through this, and return that part of my life. Thanks again! Have a wonderful week!
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Dear Tammy, I am new to your blog, having discovered it through Laura’s Pet Scribbles. My heart is breaking for you and for all those who loved Luke. What a handsome young man he was… looks just like his mommy!
I hope and pray that the day will come when memories of your dear son will bring more smiles than tears. I pray especially that God will forever surround you with peace, love, and comfort. I am reminded during this Lenten season that God sacrificed His own Son to atone for our sins. Surely He knows the depth of your pain and suffering and will not abandon you–even at those times when you want to abandon Him.
I just reread the above paragraph and am struck by how “preachy” it sounds–it’s not like me, because I am very private about my faith. But rather than delete it, I will let it stand, in the hopes that it might give you a fleeting moment of comfort, despite its pontificating tone.
Sending you many hugs,
Pat
Pat, not preachy at all. I do believe that God knows my pain…and I am so grateful, actually for his sacrifice…and I don’t even know how he could stand to do that. I know that he will stand beside me…and I appreciate your love and concern. Thank you. Have a wonderful week.
Your strength everyday is amazing to me. I always have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. If I wasn’t a “Virtual” friend I would hug you so tight even if it did squish my boobies. 😉
You will always be my virtual partner in crime. I love you, girly!!
xoxo
Denyse
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hahaha…Thanks Denyse. I would squish mine for you too. You always know how to make me smile. HUGS right back to you. Love ya!
I don’t think I can add anything more than what everyone else has said. To the Mom’s who also lost a child (don’t like the word lost, either) , my prayers are with you. And as a mother to 4 children ages 30 to 36, I will remember to never ever take them for granted. Tammy, sending you a hug, really…
Thank you. Lost is a weird way of wording it…isn’t it. Yes…your children are all your blessings…that you really never know how long they will be on loan for. Thank you so much. Have a great week.
I know you did not write this to be a beautiful post, or a moving post, or for any reason than to be the sweet and gentle and caring and kind person I have come to know and love. But it was. I have been moved by blog posts before, but I felt your raw pain that I know you still feel everyday. Most of all, I loved seeing the loving pictures of Luke. I can’t imagine what you are feeling. But I do know from helping my Aunt deal with her grief that there is no expiration date on grieving, and everyone is different.
So with that said, I will be here tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. Or as long as you can put up with me. Because as I have said in the past – that is what friends do. Love you. xxoo, Barb
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Thank you Barbara. You have been one of my dearest friends through this. I can’t imagine making it as long as I have without you and your precious friendship. You have embodied what every friend should be. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. Have a wonderful day sweet friend.
Tammy, I am such a small piece in the blogging world but know that I have prayed for peace for you, your son and all of your family everyday since I heard. {{hugs}}
Thank you Kathe. Prayers are really all anyone can do at this point. I believe that God will see us through this…and grant us some sense of peace. I’m still in the very early, and extremely painful part of this…but I do believe in the power of prayers..and appreciate every one of them. Have an awesome week.
The only words I have are that I love you dear friend and if you ever need me I am a phone call away. HUGE HUGS What a beautiful boy Luke was –apparently inside AND out !
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Thank you so much Karen. You are precious…and I know that you have me in your prayers…and I’m so grateful for that! Have an awesome week!
Tammy-
You have been on my mind and in my heart! If I lived close I would give you the biggest hug. I will continue to pray for you and your family, all my love!
Kristin
Kristin, Thank you so much. I appreciate your thoughts and wishes for a hug. That means more than you know. Have a great day!
Warm thoughts headed your way as you work your way through a place where you feel you can breath. I come from a large blended family, 12 kids total. 9 years ago we lost my 24 year old step brother, suddenly and tragically. Still to this day we have unanswered questions. Jake had a smile that lit up a room. He is missed as much today as when we received the news. I watched my mom and step dad have the world as they knew forever shattered. One constant for them was giving each other the space needed and the support necessary to come to terms. They relish in talking about Jake and focusing on they life he lived and not how it ended. I wish you peace in your memories that only time can bring.
Jenn, I’m sorry to hear about your brother. I know it’s been a while…but I also know that it still must hurt. Death leaves so many questions…and a huge hole. Thank you for your kind words. Have a wonderful week.
Keeping you in my thoughts for the long road ahead. May there be moments of peace and memories to warm your heart.
Thank you Jenn, I do have moments of peace…and for that…I’m seriously grateful. Thank you so much. Have a wonderful week!
Tammy I am so very sorry about your Luke. I am the mother of three sons and I cannot imagine what you are going through nor do I ever want to find out. The cause of his death is not important only the causes of his life and remember no one ever dies as long as one person remembers them. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Thank you. Yes…he will live on within our hearts. It’s an extremely painful experience that no mother should ever have to know. Thank you so much for your thoughts. Have a great day!
Tammy, I don’t know you but I too have a 28 year old son who is literally the sun of my life. I grieve for you and your loss and nothing anyone says now or a year from now or ten years from now will take away that loss of love from your life. I want to say something like a cliche that everyone says in a time like this that He is in a better place but I know that truly doesn’t bring comfort. I wish I too could just hug you most. thank you for sharing with all of us. We are deeply saddened for you and your loss,Luke is a beautiful young man and I bet he was a joy to be around.Susie. IF I can do anything for you please don’t hesitate to ask.
Susie, Thank you… That’s so sweet. Yes, he was absolutely my heart. I still have the other three. . And hate to diminish their places in my heart. .. But he left a big gaping hole. He was the youngest of the three boys. .. But he was my first born, and had that special place. They all do… And there is just nothing that can fill each place. Thank you so much. Have an amazing week.
Oh Tammy this is so heart-breaking. To think people might have been unkind is a horrible thought. Great advice for people trying to help, I am so glad you shared this. So many people just want to help, but are clueless as to what is actually helpful.
Praying for your family. You are right… we don’t need to know the details. Sending a virtual hug.
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Anita, Thank you for your sweet words. I think you’re right, I don’t believe anyone was intentionally unkind…I was hoping that this would help them understand a little better, what they should and shouldn’t do for others. Thank you so much. Have a wonderful week! 🙂
Tammy I lost my husband 14 years ago and thought it was the very worst thing I could go through but when my daughter, my only child died three years I knew than that this was the worst thing I would ever go through.It is only now after three years that I feel like I have come out of the fog and have truly joined the world again. The pain of losing a child is crushing take all the time you need and don’t let anyone tell you what your timeline should be. God Bless you and your family.
Oh my goodness Betty…I’m so sorry. How horrible for you to have to go through all of that…and have to do it alone…is just awful. May God bless you! Thank you for sharing that with me.
Tammy, My heart and prayers go out to you. I don’t know if you have heard of Pastor Greg Laurie. He is a well known pastor here in CA. You may of seen his Harvest Crusades on TV that he does annually or heard of his church, Calvary Chapel. Well he lost his son, age 33, in a tragic car accident. He has a chat with Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman, who lost his 4 year old daughter, about pain and grief. Don’t know if you’d be interested, but you can see it on Youtube. Just put in their names and “Pain and Grief”. It’s touching what they have to say. It may touch your heart. It’s 18 minutes long, so if you get a moment, take a look. God Bless you.
Kathy, I hadn’t heard of him…but I will certainly go check that out. Thank you so much for your kind words, and for this tip. God is the one constant for us in this situation. Have a wonderful day.
Oh Tammy, I just popped in for a visit today after you left a sweet comment on one of my blog posts and I saw for the first time that you recently lost your son. I am heartbroken for you as I have children close to the same age. I can’t even imagine the pain you must be feeling. I will be praying for your heart to heal and for God to fill your mind with all that was GOOD about your son. Thank you for sharing the tips on what to do and what not to do when speaking with a grieving person. Most of us really don’t know what to do. Much love and God’s peace to you dear one. Patti
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Patti, Thank you so much. Yes, it’s been devastating. I’ve cried more times in the past month, than I think I have in all my life. Loosing a child is probably the hardest struggle I’ve ever had to experience. I do have wonderful memories of him..and think of him every day. I miss our little conversations, and our regular texts. God is good to us. He has begun to fill my heart with peace about this…I don’t think you ever REALLY get at peace…but it’s so much better than it was a month ago. Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers. Have a wonderful week.