Inside a Grieving Mom’s Mind
Most of you may…or may not know, I lost my youngest son on February 27th. Most of you may…or may not know, my heart is in a million pieces. There are so many things that go through your mind when you lose someone you love. I can’t begin to even convey this. I lost my daddy fifteen years ago. Those were some painful times…they can’t even come close to this. Here’s what this grieving Mom wants to say:
When someone dies…Remember, they belonged in the heart of someone else. They were loved, and cherished. They aren’t gossip, they aren’t the “latest story”…they were someone’s world!
I made this for me…but feel free to download and keep for your personal purposes if you like:
Luke was 28 years old. He was my only biological son. I have two step-sons, that I helped raise, and a biological daughter. Luke was the youngest of all three of the boys. He was a wonderful son, a fabulous father..and apparently an amazing friend. He was gentle, and kind-hearted. He was stubborn, and set in his ways. He was quick to smile, laugh and love. He was LOVED.
What many folks don’t know..till rocketed into this atmosphere, is: You expect to have to bury your parents…it’s completely unnatural to bury your child.
I’m not quite ready to go into details about my son’s death, it’s still a very painful and open wound. I may never be ready. What I do want to go into details about, are some things that I have experienced with this tragedy. I want to share about what you DO and DO NOT DO when someone has a loss.
- First, I’ve learned…I’m not nearly as tough as I would like for everyone to think. I’ve always prided myself on being the strong girl, that everyone can come to, and cry on. Not now. I’m the melted little meek cry baby that I never saw as anything but weak. I cry, every day. Don’t assume that a grieving Mom…or Dad…or anyone for that matter, will automatically feel better in a week or so. They won’t. There are sometimes so many questions, that may never get answered. This makes the grieving process…even harder. They feel so many emotions, guilt is a biggy…don’t make it worse, by making them focus on the painful details of their loss. They MAY..or MAY NOT, want to talk to you about it. Don’t push…just be there. Let them know…you have an ear, and a heart.
- Don’t ask about details. A. That’s none of your business! B. That’s really so hard to talk about, until you’re ready. C. It’s rude! If a grieving person wants to talk to you about this, they will. Everyone eventually gets to a point where they want to talk about things, not generally right away. Don’t push for details…no matter how bad you want to know. Unless you are very close to the family, they may not want to share everything yet. Ultimately, does it change the way someone feels? NO. Does it change the way you feel about the person that just lost someone? If it does…SHAME on you!
- If you know the intimate details of a death…keep it to yourself. You can let that person know…but hearing outside opinions, and gossip, only serves as a very painful reminder, that people aren’t there for you…they are there to get the goods on the story. That’s really not something you want to know when you’ve just lost someone who means so much to you.
- Try to put yourself in the family’s shoes. What would you need, or want at this time. It’s impossible, to really know what to say or do for a person, or group when you’ve never really experienced what they are going through…and it’s okay to tell them that you don’t know. But, try to imagine yourself, COMPLETELY paralyzed. It feels much the same. You really don’t want to get out of bed. You don’t want to cook, bath, wash, eat, sleep…anything. Those are the things that people need. They need the daily things that have to get done. They shouldn’t have to worry about dealing with life. They can’t deal with life. They need someone to straighten up the house…to run errands…maybe do a load of laundry.
- I’ve never really thought about this…I’ve just always taken something when visiting a family of loss. DON’T show up empty-handed. Take food, supplies or anything. You can’t imagine how many mouths eat at the family’s home. There is a constant flow of people, that eat…eat…and eat more. That’s good. There is something very comforting about feeding your friends and family, BUT…you run out of food in a hurry, if people continue to show up with nothing…and then eat. What happens is…the family gets to pay for the funeral…and they get to buy food for the neighborhood/town for a week too. Not funny.
- Go home. It’s always good to check on a friend that has lost someone. The grief is immeasurable. The pain of a quiet house, is almost unbearable. So go, go often. Call, Text and generally, make a nuisance of yourself. (I can’t tell you how blessed I am with friends that call or text me daily) BUT…when 8:00pm rolls around….GO HOME!!! (Close friends aside) Unless they BEG you to stay, you’re WAY past your welcome. Most folks, don’t sleep well shortly after a death. They can get exhausted, and need to be left alone in the evening, to rest. Unless you know for sure that this person is a night owl, they probably need to go to sleep….or at least bed/rest.
- Give hugs. Hugs, hugs and more hugs. They are the one thing, that just feels good when you are grieving. I don’t know the statistics on this, but I can tell you, they have to be healing….I just know it. Nothing told me, “I love you” more than a hug from friends. Just a simple, long-winded, quiet hug.
- Tell something wonderful about the person that died. One of the most comforting things I heard about my son, were the stories that friends and family told me about him. It was so wonderful to hear the different ways he was loved…and that he loved. Nothing did my heart more good, than to know he really was special to everyone he encountered. I have so many questions that will never be answered, the fact that my son was loved by everyone…is not one of them. The fact that so many memories of him were shared, revealed to me that he was truly an unforgetable person.
- This is for my virtual friends. I feel like I’ve been blessed beyond deserving with my blogging buddies. They showed me EXACTLY what you do when you have a virtual friend with a loss. They have messaged, checked and taken complete care of me….just like my real life friends. But, something they did, that my real life friends couldn’t…is took care of my blog. It was really the last thing on my mind. I didn’t care if it actually fell off of the planet when all of this happened. BUT…they knew I WOULD when the dust began to settle. They took care of my little corner of blog land. For this, I’m so grateful. They posted links, tweeted, shared, pinned and blogged about me. They raised money for me…because they knew that we were having to pay for two funeral home expenses. They guest posted on my site, and LCI. They caught me online every day…and chatted with me. Some of them listened, some of them talked…some…just made me smile. (You know who you are). They were actually just exactly what I VIRTUALLY needed. 😀
- Lastly, Pray. I can’t say enough about the power of prayer. This is one of the most powerful tools anyone possesses in their friendship toolbox. God can, and will answer prayer, and there is an amazing and supernatural occurrence when prayer, is said in numbers.
Here’s what I really want to express, more than ANYTHING else. Everyone has their own timing. What takes one person a week to deal with, might take someone else a year. Expect nothing, as far as timing goes. It really is an individual person/situation thing. What took me a couple of weeks to get back into life when dad died…is very obviously going to take me much longer with Luke. It’s been almost a month…and I really, really don’t want to go anywhere that I know people…because I’m still not ready to talk about it with anyone other than very intimate friends. I might give some details…but I’ve been pretty vague about it…and that’s really all I’m ready for right now. Just generally, be a friend…for as long as you are needed. You really, never know what life is going to hand you…you want to be the type of friend, that you would like to have in the same scenario.
Son, Brother, Daddy, Uncle, Nephew, Grandson, Cousin and Friend.
A Diary, thoughts, as they come to me.
Hopefully this will be how I will learn to heal…to understand my own feelings
The Blue Bag
March 23, 2014
Sitting in the kitchen of my husband’s camper, the blue bag in the corner, across the room kept beckoning me. (It was one of the many bags of my son’s things from his apt.) I knew that the contents would place me on very shaky footing…but it summoned. I drew a weary breath and made my way over to the bag and moved to an open area in the living room and placed it next to me. I sat down and positioned myself…this was gonna be difficult. I slowly pulled the button on the drawstring, widening the opening of the laundry style duffel.
I drew a deep, ragged breath, as I began to pull the contents out in front of me…tears began to flow down my cheeks. Why do I do this to myself? But, I either had to throw all his stuff out, or make my way through it. I would have to go home soon, and I needed to get his belongings organized, or it wasn’t all gonna fit into my car. I just had to pull myself together. The more I pulled out, and laid on the floor in front of me…the more the tears flowed…. Like it was all choreographed; the possessions and my tears.
It just didn’t make sense. Luke’s whole life was summed up by belongings that were scattered about the small living quarters of our travel trailer. That’s all the physical remnants, that remained of my son. How could that be? My mind just couldn’t, and wouldn’t accept that. How could I never lay eyes on my son again?….a child that I gave birth to….that I carried in my womb and held in my arms so long ago, but not so long. That boy…that I fell so in love with when they laid him in my arms and he immediately stopped crying to look me in the eye.
Did he know how much my heart sang when he was near me? How would he know how very proud he made me. Every time I watched him with his daughter….my heart would skip a beat. He was so amazing with her. He couldn’t have been any different, for her. He just had to know…I needed to tell him. He couldn’t be gone, because I haven’t told him how wonderful he was with her. Why did I not tell him that? I had thought it so many times. I had so many things to left to tell him. I needed to talk to him at that moment, and knew that I couldn’t, yet didn’t really know. All of this still fresh enough, that it still felt like a really bad nightmare. A nightmare that someone would surely wake me from soon.
As I continued through his things, the body wash he used came out with my next handful. That smell….my son’s smell. I could almost feel him there with me. I began to sob. I couldn’t control myself. I just sat staring at the bits and pieces of my first-born child’s life. How could twenty-eight years have gone by? I was unaware how long I had been sitting there, my whole body shaking, sobbing uncontrollably, when Dave walked into the camper. I sat in the middle of a chaotic pile of papers and clothes, that I had been dragging out, and looking through. I hadn’t been organizing, I had just been grieving. In just a few long strides, Dave reached me, he grabbed me and held me. His tears welling up, together we sat and wept. Not saying a word….just weeping for someone neither of us could see, would never see again. In that moment, I was so sorrowful, yet grateful that I had Dave. This wonderful man who had been so good to my son.
The boy that I had brought into our marriage, when he was so little….just two and a half when Dave and I met, Dave had just lifted his wing, and took him as his, along with his own two boys. He became Luke’s Daddy too…little Lukey Pukey Dukey. Then, he became Luke’s best friend when they were hurled into living like bachelors together in Montana.
When would this nightmare stop? If only Luke knew what a wake would open up behind him.
It was so heartbreaking. Our hearts are just broken into a million pieces. It’s so suffocating. I’m not sure I can make it through another one of those bags.
There were so many more bags sitting there, I just swallowed, and looked away. I was not in any condition to start another. I couldn’t even finish the one I had started. I gathered up what I had pulled from the blue bag, and stuffed it back in. It was gonna have to wait, for a better day. I placed the blue bag…back in the corner, got up, and Dave and I walked outside; silent.
March 28, 2014
I woke this morning to a new layer of 4″ of snow on the cold Montana ground. Yesterday marked the one month passing since you left us. It still stung, like someone had just delivered the news…just not the shock…yeah, maybe even the shock. Why? These questions still swirl in my mind.
The freshly renewed friendships that came about as a result, are the reassuring reminders that none of us have you with us, but we have one another to lean on. The texts are comforting…for without them, I might realize I’m alone. No one quite understands what a mother feels, although…I think Rosie comes the closest. As I’ve told her in the past, I couldn’t have hand-picked a better step-mother for you. She loved you like her own….sincerely. It was not fake, or pretentious…just raw love.
I’ve slept now…off and on for three days. At first, I thought it was because I hadn’t slept much the nights before…but now I realize depression is setting deep within my heart for you. The overwhelming desire to crawl under the covers and block the outside world with dreams of you. To shut out the pain that haunts my daylight hours. Not all…but many.
I’ve tried to occupy my mind with projects…yet they fail, my creativity is stifled as of late. It eludes me and makes me chase it. I want to continue with some normalcy…although how could I. Guilt and overwhelming sadness creep into my mind.
Day before yesterday your phone alarm went off, and scared me half to death! As I fumbled with it…I guessed your password right off the bat…I did know parts of you well. As I turned off the alarms…I realized, I was, in a way, turning off a part of you. I locked the phone, unable to look at the pictures I had charged it to see. I couldn’t, not yet. I laid the phone down to continue checking my mail. As I returned in a while with a fresh cup of coffee, I sat the phone to the side, so as not to spill any on it. As I did…it began to talk. Dave and I had the service turned off to it the days before…and it was dialing a number, and telling me it was unable to connect. I noticed, it was calling Biscuit. How…it was locked? As I hit end, I thought about it….maybe I should call and check on him. He would be going to bed about now. I’ll text him just in case. “Are you up?” “yeah, whatcha need?”, he replied….but then the phone rang…it was him. “I was just thinking about you this morning.” he said right away. I told him what happened. He told me he had lost his grandfather just a few days before…and had been down. He and I talked, about you…and cried. I knew…you did that. No matter how foolish it seemed to others…Buscuit had needed to visit with me…and you knew it. Dialing his number on a locked phone was nuts…but it worked.
Why did it have to snow? I need sunshine more than anything right now. I needed the sun to shine and the leaves to come out of hiding. You always loved my yard…I miss it badly right now…that “oasis in the desert” as you always called it. According to Jake, it literally was for you. “you were his soft spot to land.” he had said to me that first night. Those words were the most comforting to me of all things said that day. The words echoed over and over in my head, still do. Was I? Did you consider me your soft spot to land? How I hope that was true…I would’ve wanted you to feel nothing more. That alone is sustaining me at this moment.
April 8, 2014
Slowly, your friends from here in Montana have one by one coming over to the house. I love meeting them. They have so many stories about you. It feels like they are all my children now. I feel like a part of you is embedded within them, and I can’t let them go. Biscuit has been wonderful to escort each one to us. He’s such a great friend…and man. Some day I would like to meet his mother, and thank her for the wonderful person she brought into this world.
Your friends loved you so much. Did you know how important you were to them? How much they admired you? Did you know how many of your antics would stick in their minds? I am your Mother…and I missed this part of you. I always knew you had a funny personality…but I also got the serious, little bit more sappy side of my son. That part of you, that maybe you just shared with me. I can still feel you hug me, and the way you always called me “Mah” Sara even took that up. It’s a very precious thing to me now.
Dave and I went to eat this weekend at the South 40. I remember you taking me there for my birthday…and getting on to me because I was worried about you spending so much on a meal. Neither of us could make it through our meal before breaking down. So many things hurt. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to go in there again. Tears flow just as easily now, as the day you left us. Are you watching us from Heaven? I’m sure you would tell me to knock it off if you are. Maybe God will help you understand how difficult this is for us all.
Little Paityn has captured the heart of all your friends…as she makes bracelets for each of them. It’s funny, there is no way she could know…but apparently she has guessed the colors that mean something to each of them. They’ve all been discussing how that happened.
The guys at work have refused to let anyone have your locker. They’ve deemed it “off-limits”. I haven’t been to see it yet, but Dave said it’s filled with notes from all your friends at work. He hasn’t been able to look at it since his first day back. He tried to have a talk with your crew, but couldn’t make it through without having to leave.
Jake and Hannah have still been keeping an eye on me. They are the two most precious people. I wish we had gotten to really know Hannah better before this.
I’m crying again, and have no off button for it. I have to go get packed to get back to Texas. I love you…we’re taking your pickup home…I sure hope it makes it!
April 22, 2014
We made it home. Your pickup drove like a dream the whole way…we didn’t even have to boost the battery! I was afraid we’d have to buy a new one before we got it there…but it was a trooper.
I wanted to drive behind it…to watch your stuff…so that it didn’t blow out. I cried the whole way. Watching your pickup in front of me, knowing you’d never be the one driving it was just so painful. Luke…I miss you. I wish so bad that you knew how much everyone misses you.
We bought all the kids Easter eggs, and filled them with goodies…and had a hunt. Amy, Paity and the littles came. You would have loved it. Macy finally warmed up to us…and even gave out generous kisses before they left. Of course, Kane was the usual doll. Jake hogged him the whole time. I have a feeling it won’t be long till Jude has a baby brother or sister…Jake sure seems to have the fever. I hate that you will never get to love on any of them. The kids always loved you.
Jake and Hannah and the kids all came…and Sylvia and Rascal.
Jake fried some of his famous fish…that they caught last month at Lake Texoma…wish you could have gone with them. I’ll never forget you and Dave and Jake all going noodling. Dave loved those times with you. Just look at these monsters!
My heart just hurts for you honey. I want so bad to hold you…to tell you how much you mean to me.
Scrap loved being home. he ran and played in all his usual spots.
Jake has been such a love. He’s really taken care of us. I hate that you couldn’t be here for all the family time. I feel like I’ve gained a ton of new kids.
I got to see Rosie before we left…my heart hurts for her too. There is nothing we can do…but console each other. You always hated that we talked..and discussed what you were up to. It made it really hard for you to tell a lie to either of us. You would really be proud now though. We’ve helped each other out so much. There is just nothing that replaces Mother’s love…except another Mother’s love.
I don’t know how to mourn for you…I just know how to cry. I can’t stop crying and I don’t know if I ever will.
Dave and I are still planning to sell the house. I’ve been worried about it, because it will be the last place I spent time with you. We’ve been looking at homes, and all the fun in house hunting is gone…because I’ll never get to make memories with you there. I know we’ll make other memories…but nothing replaces yours. Just like it would be with any of you kids. It’s like someone sucked the Joy from my life. I have happy moments…but no Joy. I want my baby back…I still need you. You were my little rock. How do I do this?
I know I have to get it together for Paityn…but I seriously don’t know how. I know that Amy is having these same problems…and I don’t know how to help her either.
She called the other day…just that feeling that I needed to talk. We all know that it’s you…that you are pushing us. Thank you. We love Amy so much…Thank you for bringing her into our lives. She’s such a wonderful mom to Paityn…but then…you knew that. I’ve even heard you say it. She’s such a good mom to all of the kids. Precious girl.
I love you!
Friday Before Mother’s Day
May 9, 2014
Luke, it’s the Friday before Mother’s Day. For some reason this morning I woke up and it hit me that you wouldn’t be here for Mother’s Day. That one of the reasons for celebrating was gone…forever.
I’ve cried most of the day, and don’t know how to make the pain stop. For some reason, it’s worse today than it has been.
You would hate the way I cry. I know I’m feeling sorry for myself. I feel like such a loser. I really thought I was doing some better…till I came home. The yard needed water, but maybe I should have stayed in Montana a bit longer. I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. My heart, actually hurts! I miss seeing Dave every night. You would have something smart to say about that. You’d make fun of me.
Rosie and I both are gonna miss you this year. It’ll never be the same. My sweet baby boy…it’ll never be the same. Sara will tend to me…she’ll make it wonderful, but it won’t be you…and somehow, she’ll know, and understand. You hated that about her. The fact that she always knew what I needed. How close we are. I wish you knew that it was just as wonderful with you. That my heart had a place just as large for you.
I bought some flowers today. I was hoping they’d make me feel better. They didn’t…it’s blank. I don’t have the joy in my life that I once did. I’m not sure I ever will. I’m so afraid that I’ll never have the interests that I used to. I’m afraid that I’ll never find comfort again. What the heck do I do? I don’t know how to fix it.
I miss you. I love you. I need you to know.
May 11, 2014
Sara, Jake, Jude and I spent the day yesterday just spending time together. It was a gorgeous day, and they occupied my mind.
I woke this morning and the tears began to flow as I thought about you. Jude is watching TV from my bed, and I’m trying to keep the tears wiped away so that he doesn’t ask questions. How do you explain the deepest grief to a three year old? How do you tell him that a little boy his size once sat beside you and filled your Mother’s Day heart with joy? That that particular joy would never be there again? How do you explain to a three year old that his cherished Uncle Vhrmm would never come and see him again? That he can ride in your pick-up, but it will never be with you again?
How I long to hug your neck, and tell you how much you mean to me. How much joy you brought to my life. I wish I could tell you that I’m so glad we have a daughter from you…and that I wish she didn’t have to grow up without her daddy like I had to. How I wish I could make that pain go away for her. How I wish you could be there when she has all her accomplishments. Graduation, marriage, has her children. We know she will, she’s always loved babies as much as her mother does.
I wish so badly to tell you how sorry I am for all the mistakes I made in raising you. How guilty I feel for not telling you I love you enough. For not telling you how very much you meant to meant to me. If only I could talk to you just one last time.
The boy that filled my life with joy for 27 wonderful Mother’s Days past…is just not here to hold…and I can’t tell you how deeply that hurts….how bad I want that. There is just nothing that eases that pain…and I don’t know how to deal with it.
I will be researching for a grief counselor this week. I’m hoping someone can make sense of the tears that just continue to flow without relief. The cure could be so simple…and yet, the most simple solution…can never be.
I Love you!
May 14, 2014
Your sweet little Scrap dog. Oh Luke, if only you knew how he’d miss you. He always considered me one of his pack…that goodness, I think it made his transition easier.
He comes to me daily with his “moops” and lets me know he loves and appreciates me. That sweet little way he slinks across the bed with his little tail wagging each morning.
He and Moose are going to drive me to drink. They continually get into the grossest and stinkiest elements they can find. First the dead dear in Montana, yesterday a skunk…and today, something else that smelled as though it’s been dead for a week or more.
Please visit him in his sleep and tell him to stop!
He’s no replacement for you…but he sure reminds me of you every day.
May 30, 2014
It’s been three months. I really thought I would be better by now. I’m not. Every day I think of you, constantly, lovingly, overwhelmingly as much as ever. I just can’t figure out why it doesn’t feel any better. Why I still sit and bawl every day. Why in the middle of the night I wake up screaming out. Terrified and sweating…upset for you.
I miss you so bad. I long to hug you…to kiss you. I miss every thing about you. Even the habits and quirks that infuriated me. I wish I could touch your face one more time.
Today I was cleaning the floors, and something in me said “Mom…listen!” It wasn’t your voice, but it was…I don’t know how to explain it…it wasn’t audible…it just was. About that time…”Just remember I love you.” by fire fall came on. I really don’t even know why…because I was listening to a hard rock genre on Pandora. As I listened closely to the words…I realized it was you….that the only reason that song come on, was for me, from you.
Will I wake up someday…and not feel this way? I really don’t even know how I feel. I don’t want to feel anything. I just want to go to sleep and rest….but rest doesn’t come easy.
Why do I feel like I could have done more, said more, that maybe that would have changed things. I remember all the times, that I didn’t have time to sit and read a book because I was cleaning, or cooking. All the opportunities I had to sit and hold you..to kiss you, and I didn’t. Why didn’t I see all the things that you might have felt. Why do I feel so responsible? Why can I not believe that it’s okay. Everyone keeps telling me to give myself time, but it only feels harder than ever. It isn’t easier…it’s not easier at all.
I love you
June 5, 2014
Well sweet boy, we’ll be headed to Montana on Friday. Paityn will be going. I’m not sure what she’ll think…she’s never been there without you. I bought her a fishing pole, we’re gonna teach her to fish.
Rosie and I rode to Paityn’s last game on Tuesday. I think you would love that we are all staying so pulled together. Paityn seems to be relishing it. I don’t know what’s in her heart…but I hope that it helps that we are all there. Lenzie made the sweetest poem for her…You would be proud of your sisters. They’ve stepped up to the plate for little Paity.
I woke up this morning crying for you. I miss you more than words can express. You just never knew what you meant to me. You and Sara have been my heart beats since the day you were both born. You took a part of me with you…and I don’t know how to be whole without you. I miss you so very much.
I love you
June 16, 2014
Father’s day came…and I missed hugging you and telling you “Happy Father’s Day.” I hope your Father’s day was spent beautifully with our heavenly father…my daddy…Dave’s daddy…and your grandads. I miss you so bad!
This past week was the week that we brought the grands to Montana. Little Paityn came with us. She’s so strong. I wonder if it bothered her to be here without you.
We went fishing, and Jake and Sara taught her to kayak. She fell in love with it. I’m considering getting her a kayak for her birthday. She’s growing up so quick.
We took different colored locks and placed them on the drawbridge fence at Fairview with messages to you. Tears…just lots of tears for you. Amy said they wrote notes and placed them in balloons and released them for you today. As soon as they let them go…they looked down, and saw a horny toad. PERFECT!
It still just crushes my heart to even think about you. I have to make an extra effort to breath as I think of our short time together. Oh sweetie…you just don’t know what you meant.
Biscuit, Buster and Gi Gi all came to see us this week. Such precious boys.
Dave and I are fixing up the yard around the trailer…you would have made fun of me for that. I was seeding some grass yesterday and I could almost hear you saying “Ma…it’s a rented space!” I know it is…but I just have to have my yard beautiful…even if it is a rental. I put in some flowerbeds…and a hanging basket. I thought this week…I’d paint the mudroom.
Dave and I had really wanted to be out of Montana by fall. They’re making that really hard. They offered him more money. Sure threw a wrench in our plans. You would’ve loved that! D-Money…wouldn’t have heard the end.
I love you!
June 23, 2014
Dave and I went to the annual Leadership conference this last week. It was in Boston this year. This was a difficult time for me. I saw folks that I hadn’t seen since you passed into heaven. It was, to say the least, hard. People asking how we were doing…and more.
One of the events was a tour of Fenway park. You would have loved that. As we sat looking out over the park, a man and woman sat down beside us. I had never met them before…but oddly enough, she asked if we had children. I felt a cringe run down my spine as I said “yes, we have four.” I left it at that…and hoped she wouldn’t ask more. She didn’t, but he began to speak. He started talking about you. Dave had introduced them…but pained by her question, their names had escaped me. He began telling me some funny stories about you…almost like he knew that’s what I needed. As he spoke about you…we talked about how tender you were one on one…and the tears began to flow for the both of us. I wanted to reach out, and hug him. I could feel how much he loved you…and I sensed that you had known what a precious spirit he was.
He sat beside us on the plane home. We talked more about you. I wondered if he was the co-worker you told me about that wrote you a letter when he transferred to a different plant. I suspect he was. I remember how touched you were by that letter. He is a precious man. What a gift.
I miss you! I love you!
July 10, 2014
Hi sweetie! Oh how I long to say that to your precious face.
I’ve been in bed now for three days…unable to overcome the exhaustion.
I miss you so much. I’ve been sobbing all morning…and can’t seem to stop. I guess it’s just one of those days. I can’t help but completely understand your feelings today. Although…I sure wish you would have shared them with me. I would have tried so much harder to make you understand the love we all have for you…how very much you’d be missed. I can’t help but wish I would have done a better job at letting you know that. The guilt is so hard to stop.
Tomorrow is Sara’s birthday. She sure will be missing you. It’s so hard to celebrate the small things without you.
Last week-end we were home for Dave’s class reunion…and celebrated Jude’s birthday. It just wasn’t the same. Little Paityn stuck to her Grumpy like glue. I think she might have been missing you a bit too. She seemed better in other ways though. Bless her tiny little heart. I often wonder what is going on in her mind.
Just know I love you…and miss you terribly.
I love you!