This morning, I was sitting on my bed, reading a magazine. I don’t know why, but this memory of one year’s Christmas Shopping experience flashed into my mind, and I almost
spewed spilled coffee on myself.
I really try to be a nice girl.(Stop laughing!!!) Don’t get me wrong, I think I was raised properly…you know…with all the Southern manners; but sometimes….being nice is just
impossible challenging! I can’t always keep my mouth shut restrain my mouth. (Okay Okay Y’all…. shut up hush!) I know sometimes….. is an understatement. But I DO try…and occasionally…I open my mouth, and it just spills… the cold hard truth rudeness. ANYHOO….I digress. This is my memory:
Sara was probably about twelve, when she and I were Christmas shopping in Lubbock one day. We had been in what seemed like every store within 100 miles of the vicinity….and were finally finishing up our Christmas shopping in Target. We were tired, hungry and ready to be home. Every store in Lubbock was extremely busy that day. I guess EVERYONE decided to follow the “Tammy” way….and wait till the last ten minutes to find all their gifts. EVERY year Y’all….without exception! Every year…. I say that I’m starting in January….but I always get
lazy busy with the clean-up/rest part of January and so on…….
I think that probably, it was about supper time….and I’m sure everyone’s blood sugar was running low. (at least that’s what I told Sara about the whole incident.)
We were standing in one of the ten check out lines waiting behind about five others. I was standing there feeling a little faint, and beginning to eyeball the candy in the cart in front of me. I was actually considering climbing into my basket to rest, when a sales lady approached me, and said…”I can get you over here” and gestured to the register two rows over. Well, at this particular Target….there are two checkout counters in each lane, and I was at the back counter in my lane. As I backed up my cart to follow her….a lady a several customers in front of me, nearly flipped her cart over, and I’m pretty sure pulled a hamstring, going through the two check-outs to get to the other counter before me. I think she ran over the foot of the woman checking out. Seriously?!!!….she was NEXT in line! She slid right in…seconds before me. I hadn’t realized that this was an Olympic event… I would have put a little effort into training! I’m mean GAH…even the Pros get some fore-warning!!! I would have eaten an energy bar at the last stop. At the very least, she could’ve said, “on your mark”…the AUDACITY!!
tired polite to put up a fuss, I stood there like a lady. Hunched over my basket…I just happened to catch myself glazed over staring at this woman’s rear-end. As my thoughts began to clear….it dawned on me…. “I’m looking at another woman’s butt”….I noticed that the denim skirt she was wearing was twisted and the center seam was resting on her left butt cheek. Her hair was all disheveled and she had an angry tone. She was snippy with the cashier, and just looked frazzled from head to toe. I was just thinking to myself, “this woman has probably had a harder day than mine….and needs to get out of here worse than I do.”. At that point, I don’t know if I was too tired to be angry…or if apathy pored over me…but I wasn’t irritated anymore. I was just too tired to be mad. Sara and I gave each other the look….you know the one….The look that says “That’s it…I’m done!” It’s something that she and I have ALWAYS been able to do…..talk with our eyes. I guess the Olympic athlete in front of me, spoke a different eye language than ours, (or was feeling guilty about what she did…and assumed we were “talking” about her.) At any rate, she turned around and very sarcastically declared, “I am SOOOO sorry I inconvenienced you so much! It’s not MY fault you wanted in front of me!” REALLY?!!! You’re gonna push a 110 pound tired, limp, and clearly…. mentally unstable malnourished farm girl, that’s obviously about to eat one of your legs off….over the edge?
I’m sure I had a dirty look on my face when I said “What the HECK are you talking about?” She returned “I saw that LOOK you just gave her.” (nodding her head towards my daughter) She was at least twice my size…and looked like she might be pretty dang hungry herself, which is ordinarily an indication for most folks to just keep their lip buttoned. Tammy? …. ummm ….NO! That was it! I just needed a nap…and a meal WAY too bad for that crap to fly. Not wanting to have my twelve-year-old witness what was imminently going to be ugly. I turned, handing Sara the keys, said “Why don’t you go warm the car up.” Clearly, miss denim britches couldn’t see that I was trying not to involve my daughter in an ugly scene. She just rolled her eyes…and said “yeah…cause your mom can’t wait to get home.” (OH NO YOU DIDN’T….just involve a twelve-year-old in your petty self-hatred!) Thankfully Sara was out of hearing distance…or knowing Sara…didn’t hear because she was in “happy Sara land”. Either way…she never looked back. 🙂 Thank goodness…because at this point everyone within two lanes on either side…was silent and paused from their activities to see what was going on. I’m sure they were all tired, hungry and in desperate need of some sort of release. At this point I’m sure everyone in that store had already had the “honor” of dealing with one of these “lovely” individuals at some point in the day. I slowly looked up… (I’m sure with the look of an axe murderer in a horror film). Finishing her transaction, she started to wheel her cart off. The saleswoman looked at me…and rolled her eyes. Then, I guess my eyes warned her of what was about to happen….and she just froze…and grinned. In a loud…but “sweet, Southern style” voice, I said, “Honey….your skirt’s twisted”…..( I think she sensed something bad was about to happen. She lowered her head, and with determination, began to push her basket as hard and fast as she could…true Olympic form. Now, at this point, it wasn’t just the people within earshot of us that were still and quiet….EVERYONE at the front of the store were frozen in time, and DEAD SILENT! )…. Suddenly my voice changed. It became low and gruff…almost demon possessed like, and I finished….”Probably from having YOUR PANTIES IN A WAD!!!!!” I turned back to finish my business when I noticed that EVERYONE was snickering….and my checker….she was about to fall over with laughter! I straightened my hair, finished my transaction….and walked out…..
As I walked to my car, I was so thankful that I had sent Sara ahead. Between her daddy (KING of smart remarks) and I (Queen of erupting insults)….she didn’t have a prayer. Suddenly from around the parking row behind us….wheeled the rumpled and enchanted, denim britches. She had a stranglehold on the steering wheel in her car and zoomed past as I was unloading my bags into the back or the suburban. She rolled down her window and spouted something as she sped away. She was moving to quickly for me to comprehend (probably in fear of what would boil out of my mouth in response). At any rate, Sara turned to me and said “OH NO SHE DIDN’T just DIS’ my MOM!!!” lol. I just sighed and said “Ehh…her blood sugar’s probably low.”.
The moral of the story: Don’t push a short, tired, hungry, mother-of-four, country bumpkin, at the last-minute shopper, with low blood sugar….to the point of eruption during this Christmas season. Christmas shopping and twisted panties….isn’t a good combination!
P.S. I’m also debuting at: